It Hardly Matters

Thursday, October 25, 2007

La Lotta Continua

Today I find myself utterly, crushingly distracted by the memory of someone who once told me he loved me. Or, more accurately, by the memory of the moment he told me. It's a physical memory, detailed, and warm, next to me from the moment I awoke until this second. I'm pulled by it, neck snapping up and to the left.

It's curious, with all its power and pull. How can he walk around knowing that he said it? With all that guilt and meaning, if, in fact, he meant what he said? That's what's astonishing me, the fact that I'll never know if he meant it, if anyone ever means it, those three words we long to hear. I have a mind to believe that once they are said they just float into the universe with all the other words and are rendered meaningless.

Does the curiosity of this love-day mean that I love him too, in some obtuse way, out of some deep soul-stirred dream? Or is it love that I love, I miss, that fat glowing thing?

I try to convince myself that love exists only when someone makes a move, does something, creates a real connection with another person, a life, not mummifies it in memory or art. Although Caravaggio could convince me otherwise.


  • my brother, after hearing a similar lament from me, told me to think about all the very wonderful things (also, mere memories at that point) this lover had provided and feel how my heart would swell..."see, he said to me, "you did that all by your imagination" . That person wasn't standing there, or actually whispering those things to me...and I was capable of bringing it back in an instant or letting it go all on my own. Since it already was technically gone, I finally had to let it go for good. I also wondered, a lot, if i was in love with love. I know, hearing things like this from someone thats already in a relationship can sound trite...but it left a lasting impression on me and i just wanted to share.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:00 PM  

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